Pope Tour

Well once again a pope decided to tour the United States. It must be fun tooling around the country in that bubble-mobile and hobnobbing with the likes of Cheney and Bush. Why is religion off the table when it comes to criticism or humor? Religious people have no problem criticizing others, or persecuting those that believe differently.

The visit ushered the Pope's new book entitled: How to cover up a pedophile scandal, for dummies. In it he covers a variety of topics. His message to America is as follows:

1) Please forgive us for all the homosexual pedophilia. We've sent all those priests away to third world countries where very little gets media coverage. So bring your kids back to the church.

2) A more current list of sins has been released. Now you can hate yourself for not only birth control and gluttony, but pollution (including littering), environmental apathy, social injustice, causing poverty, and genetic modification. Remember, you are a dirty little worthless piece of flesh without blessing from our lord, the Flying Spaghetti Monster... I mean God.

3) Always vote against any form of scientific research. Those pesky scientists keep doing things like curing disease and making life amenable. God doesn't want that. Your life here on earth should be as miserable as possible to prepare you for the afterlife. So don't rush to the doctor when you get ass cancer. Remember, all is as it should be.

4) Global warming is now a sin, along with environmental apathy. The Pontifical Academy of Science (from which not one research breakthrough has ever come) has skillfully covered the subject. They have decided these problems can be corrected by intense self deprecation and monetary contributions to the church. Kind of like green points, but we like to call them Pontif points.

5) Once again, please refrain from using birth control. Our all powerful master hasn't found a way to best Glaxco-Smith-Klein yet, and it angers him! Besides, we need legions of tithing do-gooders to spread our dogma to as many as possible. We're even considering taking the approach of the Mormon Church and going door to door.

You can order the new book on Amazon for $39.99, but that doesn't count as your weekly church contribution. They use Paypal and ship to your door for an extra fee. As always, thank you and see you on Sunday.