Chlamydian Blues

How does a love triangle, or quadrangle, work out? Funny! Always funny, unless you're the one who got an S.T.D. The man was from Gambia. His wife works full time and takes care of their two children, one of which was recently born. The other day she gets a call from the doctor's office. You see, the newborn was unexpectedly premature, so the doctor ran a battery of tests on her to determine why. Evidently she has Chlamydia. This disturbed her because she has never had sex with anyone but her husband, and they've been married five years.

Angry, she takes his cell phone and goes through all the numbers. She finds a number she doesn't recognize and calls it. This is when she meets another woman, her husband's girlfriend of five months. But, quite disturbingly, the woman tells her she's never had intercourse with the husband, only oral sex. So the wife assumes there must be at least one other woman.

So the girlfriend and wife decide to confront the husband while he's at work. This doesn't go well and he leaves via the back door. They follow him to his home and this is when everything falls apart. Rather than apologizing, or admitting he's ever done any wrong, he savagely attacks the girlfriend for telling on him. Witnesses describe that he, "Beat her like a man." Now he's sitting in jail on a forty eight hour domestic violence hold.

Verbal Jackass

I was forced to sit through two days of training entitled, "Verbal Judo." The instructor, who received an unreasonable sum of money, was Dr. George Thompson, who, evidently, has given himself the nickname "Doc Rhino." Doc Rhino? Come on.....

I was completely unable to get past his constant barrage of arrogance and martial arts references in order to receive whatever lecture message might have been buried underneath. "It's all in the delivery," he said, over and over, as if cops are supposed to be stage actors in some weird Broadway show. He would fold his arms into what he considered a "warrior" pose, something you might have seen in a Kung Fu Theater B-movie, and loudly exclaim, "Wushaw!" He did this at least two hundred times a day, which marked two hundred times I came close to vomiting. Then he'd lick his fingers and wipe his mustache as if, in his own delusional world, he believes he's a gun slinging bad ass from the old West. To make things worse, if that's at all possible, he lost one of his vocal cords to cancer and sounds like Darth Vader with an upper respiratory infection. Mucho phlegm!

The course was basically him telling us over and over how fucking cool he is. Oh, and how we don't know anything and he'd fire the whole department if he was Chief. The lesson plan had quite a few charts. They were so ridiculously confusing I would have had to pay either a scientist or a shaman to make any sense of them. Everything was an acronym with this guy. "I saw this E.D.P. threaten an I.B.D. and a G.B.S." Dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Here are a list of especially ridiculous quotes:

"If you really knew reality then you'd know what I know."
("Because I am magnificent in every way." That would have been the logical follow up for this guy.)

"I will teach you the warrior mentality. We call it Mushin."

"The most dangerous weapon you carry is the cocked tongue."

"When I teach a course I bow in, cause I'm teaching Mushin. Martial Arts of the mouth."

"Ladies, you wake up from a sleep to find a man straddling you, preparing for a rape, his hands frozen at your throat. What should you say?.................. Thank you! Why, you ask? Because he left your hands free, so you reach over to the night stand, grab a pencil, and jam it into his eye. Game over!"
( How much T.V. does a man have to watch to think like this?)

"There will be no violence where I walk."

"Stone man is out! Plastic man is in! Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. "
(His laughter was very inappropriate. As if he thinks, "I'm magnificent. Look at how these mere mortals revel in my greatness!")

"The moment I put the vest on, I become a warrior. From home-boy to officer. Then I always say, Showtime!"

"If I had my way, I'd send every one of you to a six week acting course."
(I'm sure the tax payers wouldn't mind funding that, dumb ass.)

"I'm a force field. Every where I walk there will be peace."

"I would wrap him up and spin him into a web of compliance."
(I guess he thinks he's part spider or something.)

"I've intimidated bars full of people by being pleasant."

"I know twelve ways to take a man out of a car window."
(He learned all of them by watching Jackie Chan movies.)

"When I started using questions, I cut my resistance in half. Well, actually more than half, but I'll give you half!"
(Who's he giving what? I don't understand.)

"Sneaky people raise the shackles on your back. Your sixth sense. Believe in the sixth sense."
(I saw the movie.)

"We are springboarding over the quicksand of argument in the sandbox of America."

"Disrespect is diss'em, and diss'em is death!"

"I don't like the defense lawyers. Shark skin wearing, poupon sucking sons of bitches!"

"I am producer, director, and actor. I write the play, set the stage, and control the actors."
Last I checked, he's not starred in any roles.

"People never say what they mean. But some do." (????)


He showed us videos of himself handling tense situations. Only the videos were scripted and acted. Then he commended himself for how well he handled the situation, which wasn't real. I'm fairly certain that, along with referring to yourself as "Doc Rhino" in the third person, are signs of mental illness. Thanks, Doc. I took nine pages down of asinine quotes.

Insult to Injury

Criminals are getting more and more unusual. We had a guy car to report his car had been broken into, the suspect smashing out the driver window with a chunk of cement, and his radio was stolen. As if that's not bad enough. Whoever perpetrated this crime decided it would be a good idea to leave the victim a present. There was a used condom stuck to the windshield.

Now I ask you, where did the criminal get this condom? Did he use it and then wear it around for a few hours until he found a suitable place to put it? Or did he find it on the ground and think, "Hey, I could use that for later," which is disgusting. Either way he's a jackass.

Chili's: An Anniversary in Hell

Last night I took my wife to Chili's Bar & Grill in the White Oak Shopping Center in Garner, NC. It was our anniversary. Take note: It was the crappiest dinner ever. Bar none!

We get there and each order a beer. I'm anxiously awaiting a sizzling fajita plate. My wife is waiting on some sort of sandwich, I don't remember which one. So, there we are, just about to eat, when an eruption occurs in the kitchen. Some guy is back there screaming, Fucking motherfuckers, fuck...cops...fuck....fucking cops.....Mother fucker! This goes on for about five minutes. I don't normally have problems with cursing as long as my daughters aren't forced to hear it, but this conversation went even further downhill. The skinny white idiot then tells no less than five coworkers, one just happened to have been one of the managers, that, if so and so shows back up they should "pee" in his beer and "do things" to his food. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What's worse is that none of the listeners seemed disturbed at all about the prospect of urinating in food. Didn't seem to bother any of them.

At this point our food came out. The girl who brought it was one of the listeners and seemed embarrassed. We could still hear the guy's seemingly never ending tirade going on behind her. My wife asked if we could speak to the manager. The girl walked back into the kitchen and spoke to curse-boy, who loudly muttered "shit" and walked away smiling.

Unbelievably, the manager who was standing there listening to all of it comes over and speaks with us. He offers to "take care" of our meal. "Weren't you just listening to all of that?" I asked. "Seems like you might have told him to stop."

"Yes, well, he's going through some tough personal times right now. He's having trouble with a roommate."

"I don't care about his roommate," my wife answered. I told him I didn't want the meal "taken care of," as I had no intention of eating it. "What if the glass he talked about urinating into is the same one I'm drinking out of?" I asked.

"Oh, no. That stuff doesn't happen here," he replied. I figured this guy was just running interference for his friend, especially since he was the one listening to the entire diatribe without ever having told the guy to stop. We asked for the main manager.

Finally, two other managers came over and talked to us. We explained what happened and told them we just wanted to leave. Real nice anniversary dinner.

Backseat Buffoon

I'm watching video of a traffic stop. The two people in the vehicle were both arrested with a trafficking amount of designer drugs, as well as a large quantity of cocaine. But what's funny about the incident we didn't notice during the arrest. It came after. You see, the police cruiser has a video camera that records what's happening in front of the car, but it also has a second microphone in the back seat. So, when the officer asked if the male driver had any drugs in the car, you hear him say, "Oh, no, Officer. I don't do drugs." Unfortunately for him, his drivers license was suspended and the Officer arrested him. At this point a search of the vehicle is allowed under state law. The Officer places the guy in the back seat of the police cruiser and again asks, "Do you have anything illegal in the car?"

"No, Officer. Hey, can't we talk about this?"

The Officer then begins his search. The back seat microphone catches this guy's psychotic ramblings and, like the credit card commercial, it's priceless! "Oh, God," he screeches over and over in a high-pitched falsetto, almost sounding like a woman. "What the fuck? Oh my God! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screams so loud the officer hears him from the other car, some twenty yards away. The Officer walks back and asks, "Is everything alright? Were you screaming?"

"Uh, no, Officer. I wasn't screaming. I just wanted to talk to my attorney. Can you let me call my attorney?"

"No," the Officer says calmly. "You can call him once you get booked downtown." Then the Officer speaks to the female passenger from the car. He asked her, "Hey, I'm searching the car now, so before I start, do you know of anything in the car that might be illegal?"

As he asks the guy in the back seat starts whining in a high-pitched moan. "Ohhhhhhhh. Noooooooo. Shiiiiiiiiiit! Oh my God. I'm going to have a fucking heart attack! Don't tell'em baby. Don't tell'em. Take the rap, baby. I'll owe you forever. Take the rap! I can't go back to jail. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh Nooooooooooo!"

The Officer finds the drugs. The female immediately says, "That's not my stuff. It's his. He told me to put it in my purse when you pulled us over."

Now the guy in the back seat is crying and moaning. "Noooooooooo. Oh God, Noooooooooooooo!"

Both are arrested. I can't possibly describe how funny this guy's rantings are in words.

"I Did Nothing Wrong"

A drunk driver blows through a red light on Glenwood Avenue and T-bones a compact car driven by an Orhtopaedic Surgeon. It's 12:30PM on Black Friday. I get there and two witnesses report seeing the drunken fool, who is denying having ever imbibed in his life, pass cars in the turn lane so he can blow through the intersection unimpeded. I give him sobriety tests and he fails miserably, although he disagrees. "I passed all your tests with flying colors, Officer."

He's arrested and blows well over the legal limit down at the Wake County Jail. I have the pleasure of listening to his phone conversation with his wife. "I don't know why I'm here. I haven't had anything to drink. I did nothing wrong. I passed all the sobriety tests. I didn't run any red light. That light was either orange or green! They arrested for no reason at all and my attorney is going to take care of this, just like last time."

It must be blissful living in fantasy land.