Alarm Lunatic

We get an alarm call at a residence at 8:30AM yesterday morning. Upon arrival, one officer notices the rear door is unlocked and calls several of us to search the house, just in case a crime has been committed. We go inside and search, finding nothing unusual. While in the upstairs bedroom, someone rings the doorbell. Someone pushes the button no less than a hundred times before we open it.

"This is my daughter's house," a gray haired woman with bulging eyes announces, pushing her way into the house.

"Okay," I say.

"Where is she?"

"Nobody's here," I say.

"Nobody? Oh my God. Oh my God, where are the children? She has three kids." She bursts into tears. She's completely out of control. "What are you guys gonna do? My daughter's missing?"

"How old is your daughter?" I ask.

"Thirty eight."

She looks over and sees a cell phone on the kitchen table. "Oh God, there's her cell phone. She doesn't go anywhere without it."

"She did today."

"She wouldn't have left her phone."

"When's the last time you talked to her?" I ask.

"We don't talk."

"Don't talk? So why do you think something weird's going on?"

"We just don't talk. I haven't spoken to her in weeks."

About this time the phone rings. It's her daughter. Nothing is wrong. She took her kids to the grocery store and forgot to secure the back door. I fought back the urge to call the mother an idiot.

Back to School

I''m working off duty at Hillsborough Street Textbook, providing security for the students returning to N.C. State University. Thousands of young people have shuffled through the store buying books. Quite often I hear conversations between the students that amuse me. Nobody ever goes negative...and they should.

"I'll probably do two semesters here and then transfer to the coast to become a marine biologist," or "probably gonna get into med school by then."

Why doesn't anyone tell the truth? I mean, probably fifty percent of these bubble heads won't make it. Why don't I hear conversations like? "Yeah, well, I'll probably flunk out by the second semester, develop a raging alcohol problem, and take a job sorting garbage by spring." Or, "I think I'll get pregnant this semester, drop out, live in Section 8 housing for about three years before my baby's daddy gets shot in a gang fight."

"Son, before I send you to school, what are your plans? Well, dad, I'm thinking I'll get by by cheating off my friend's papers before I get expelled after a date-rape scandal. Then I'll move back in with you guys, get addicted to methamphetamine, and steal everything that isn't nailed down before being forced into rehab."

Future Murderer

Unfortunately, I just had to deal with a future murderer. There is a day-treatment mental health facility that specializes in "last chance" kids. This young man was thirteen years old, six feet tall, and probably able to kick all of the male staff's asses if he wanted to. He had braided hair and his shorts were pulled down low on his butt, something I don't quite understand. If the staff wanted to curb any future criminal behavior, they might want to start by making him conform to some sort of structure.

He got angry because he demanded several staff members to stop what they were doing (working) and bring him his deodorant (I agreed that he needed deodorant). When they didn't give him instant gratification he ran outside, picked up a slab of concrete, and threatened to break a window. He was also cursing the staff with great enthusiasm. This kid has obviously gotten everything he's ever wanted by threats and intimidation. And when we got there the staff members asked us not to take any legal action. One of the staff members even reminisced about another kid throwing a brick at her head. I asked if she'd pressed charges and she advised, "No, we decided not to." Great lesson for the kid. Get violent, attack someone with a deadly weapon, and get away with it.

By his demeanor and mannerisms I can only guess today's kid will, at the very least, inflict gross bodily injury on someone in the future. And to beat all, the facility isn't even documenting these incidents. So when he shoots someone there will be no detailed history of his violent behavior, and we all know how much the judges love to cut someone a break. The biggest thing this kid needed was an ass whipping by an older male, just to let him know he can't intimidate the world.

The Wedding

I attended my friend's wedding this past weekend on Emerald Isle. I wish him and his new bride the very best. I was on my best behavior, but, being in close proximity to two other friends who enjoy mischief, couldn't help but think of a variety of ways to make the event ridiculous.

I should have attended the service wearing a beard-of-bees and insisted it was a family tradition, as well as wearing break-away trousers and Spider-man underwear... for the reception.

We contemplated exchanging the lyrics for Hymn 394, which was to be played mid-wedding, with the lyrics to Led Zepplin's "Black Dog."

The pastor, who I can only assume was in his mid-hundreds, forgot what time the service began and arrived as the music started playing. He also forgot half the invocation and even forgot to say, "You may now kiss the bride." As the frantic wedding planner searched for him moments before the event, we couldn't help but think to place a Check-On-Welfare call in case he died the day of the ceremony.

The funniest part of it was my friend's judgment to begin with. I'm an atheist and have Tourrette's Syndrome. Can you think of any worse person to put in a church wedding? The night before I had dreams of shouting, "Praise Satan," over and over in front of the congregation. That would've been cool.

Armed Robbery

Two idiots rob a man at a local party and steal his car. During the robbery, one of the suspects stabs the victim, puncturing his lung. They take his car to an undisclosed location and steal the victim's rims, which are very unusual.

Think about this for a minute. They keep the one piece of evidence that ties them to the crime. Not only that, they put high dollar rims on an eighties Buick Regal with fading paint. Another example of our failing education system.

Bravo England!

We get called to a hit and run on Grove Barton Road. An English fellow got drunk, ran off the road, and smashed into a guardrail doing significant damage to his rental car. We get on scene but the car's gone. Another officer finds it parked in several parking spaces in the rear of a local apartment complex.

About twenty minutes later the driver calls 911. He says he was stressed out by the accident so he and his two friends went to the Linwood Grill for a couple of drinks to relax him. He says he's returning to his car post-haste.

I speak with him at the scene. He's trying to act as if his actions were perfectly reasonable. "I left the scene because the car was drivable and I figured I'd report it later. I was stressed out so I had a couple of drinks to relax. You know what I 'm saying." He paused for a moment, looking at me. "What do you think happened, officer?"

"I think you got drunk, crashed your car into a guardrail, then called your friends. Between the three of you, you hatched this master plan. You'd go back to the bar and have a few drinks. That way you could say, 'I didn't drink anything until after the crash,' and we'd have to believe you. Only it didn't work because the interior of the car you crashed smells like a brewery, which kind of debunks your whole excuse. "

We charged him with drunk driving and hit and run. His two idiot friends demanded my badge number so they could complain. Evidently, the police are not allowed to say they don't believe whatever you tell them. According to them I had to take his statement on the good faith it was true.

Dumbest Quotes

"I know why you writing this ticket. It must be quotation time." (Miscellaneous thug driver)

"I only did heroin to show my girlfriend how stupid it is to do heroin." (Arrested for beating up his girlfriend)

"Desert Eagles are only designed to do one thing, kill people." (Unnamed D.A. who didn't seem to realize all guns are designed to kill people)

Wral.com Opinion Survey Question:
"Do you think it is unethical for 'The Slammer' newspaper to publish arrest photos of people who have not been convicted of a crime? (From a website that publishes photos of people not yet convicted of crimes)