Republican Primary

I'm watching the news this morning, sipping a cup of Gold Coast, when I hear a report covering the primary in Florida. The reporter says there are 2.2 million college students in the state. Evidently, after interviewing hundreds of these students, a recurring problem became apparent. The students don't know who to vote for because there is no clear front-runner.

I think this says a lot about our country today. What ever happened to researching the candidates and voting for the one who is more likely to agree with your political position. Are these kids retarded? Voting for the front-runner is just being led, like cattle. It's easy. It's like rooting for the winning team. Certainly easier than making an actual decision.

Personally, I don't care who you vote for. But at least take the time to listen to your candidate's lies.

Chicken Wings

Last week a local restaurant called to report three young white males had skipped out on their bill, exiting a side door rather than paying for two orders of chicken wings. The bill had the whopping total of $10.88. One of the waitresses recognized the guy who ordered the wings. She told me his name and the high school he'd attended. By running the name I located his mother's address. She'd kicked him out several weeks prior for being a freeloader.

I had her call his cell phone, as he'd left for Wilmington the day before. When he answered I informed him I was investigating the larceny of chicken wings. It was difficult for me to say this without laughing, but somehow I managed. A week later I caught up with and formally charged him.

I defy you to find a more blatant waste of money. Don't get me wrong, I did exactly what I'm supposed to do. By now, I've wasted approximately four hours salary tracking down this guy and charging him. My Sergeant has wasted about thirty minutes reviewing the report, making copies, and handling the administrative end. We will go to court, where the witness (a restaurant employee), myself, an assistant district attorney, a defense lawyer, and a judge will all collaborate on the case. Most likely it won't be settled for at least three court settings, magnifying the cost of all resources to an astronomical figure. All for a plate of chicken wings.

Idiots

This past weekend was a celebration of idiots. Several opposing factions of local gang members met at Sanderson High School to discuss differences in the way each group conducts business. Evidently, discussing topics civilly was not on the agenda, and soon a knife fight erupted involving some thirty people. Five people were stabbed. Most of the combatants were under the age of sixteen, and heavily influenced by older members.


One genius was stabbed in the stomach and leg. Fearing he would get in trouble, he wandered around in a local park, bleeding profusely, for two hours before calling his mother to pick him up. An hour more and he would have bled out. Would have been a shame, seeing how he'll probably ascend to the presidency having dropped out of school at fourteen. Weighing getting in trouble against his own survival made me recall several events where criminal stupidity was almost too much to comprehend.


A couple of years ago two criminals decided to rob a fish market on Capital Blvd. The old guy would sell fresh fish out of a cooler. He was retired, and usually brought his best friend (his dog) with him during business. The old guy was well liked by everyone. So these two fools, who were also best friends, concoct a hair-brained scheme to take the old man's money. They enter the shop and instantly shoot the man's dog. Then, when the old guy doesn't hand over what they want fast enough, they shoot him in the chest. One crook grabs the cash register and runs. The gunman runs behind him. I guess the gunman was sprinting with his hand on the trigger when, for no apparent reason, he shot his best friend in the back of the head. We found the guy dead, draped over the cash register, which was unopened. The old man lived. His dog...not so lucky. And no money was taken.



Another incident involved two brothers. They learned a guy in the neighborhood was carrying large amounts of cash ($100). Instantly they hashed out a genius plan to rob the man. They caught him alone in a secluded area. Savagely attacking him, one of the brothers stabbed the man several times, slashing at him so hard he cut into his own ankle. How this could have happened, nobody knows. They get the man's money and leave. The uncut brother convinces the other to "walk it off." Rather than getting medical attention, they use the money to get drunk. At home, the cut brother decides to call it a night. His last night! The uncut brother finds him dead three hours later. A cut that would not even be considered life threatening in most instances, but due to a lack of treatment, proved fatal. We're gonna miss him.

A Sucker Born Every Day

Internet dating sites. Do I even need to make a joke? This lady calls the police to report she met a man on the Internet. She suspects he might be involved in some sort of identity theft scheme. First of all, the guy's name is completely unbelievable. "Valentine?" Come on! How could you not know something was up? But I guess she's lonely and hoped something would come of it, so she decided to correspond with him.

First he sent her flowers. Then Victoria Secret. Then the boxes started coming. Federal Express delivered ten packages to her door in a four day period of time. All of them were addressed to him, but shipped to her. She called him and he provided a convenient excuse. He had forgotten to take her address out of his browser after sending her the flowers. Not plausible, unless you desperately want companionship.

Then, as if on cue, he called her from Africa and gave her a sob story about how he was stranded with his twelve-year-old son. And without access to his bank. Could she possibly send him some money? She wires the guy a substantial bit of money. Money she'll never get back.

This guy is a real piece of work. The identity theft and financial card fraud are bad enough. But pretending to be interested in this woman just to scam her. You can't get much lower than that. It's not enough to get her money? Have to hurt her emotionally as well? Nice work, Valentine.

Drunken Fools

I arrested three drunks over the last week. Two for driving while impaired and one for assault. It seems the new crop of drunks get more and more useless. The first told me he was "blessed" to have a girlfriend who takes care of him completely, much like an infant, financially. Evidently he's an aspiring rapper and needs twenty four hour a day devotion to his craft. He doesn't have a label yet, or a manager, or even any material, bu he's hopeful the future is bright.

The second guy got drunk and assaulted several people at a restaurant. He's in his early twenties and has already been jailed several times for alcohol related offenses. He spent the entire booking process cursing me. "Cops suck! Fuck you! I hope you get shot in the head!" This went on for an unreasonable amount of time. Then, just as we were about to part company, he extends his hand and says, "I'm not a bad guy, man." Of course I have no interest in shaking his hand. Then, "Why do you have to be like that, man? That's why people don't like cops." It should be legal to punch him in the face.

The last guy I arrested for driving while impaired, his second in two months. He matter-of-factly said, "Well, I guess this is it. I can't go on after doing this to my family." I asked if he had a wife and kids. "No, just my mom. I can't tell her this. It's been a nice run. I guess I can go out on top."

"Don't you think you're being a little melodramatic?" I asked.

"No. This is it. Don't think I can take any more of this. This sucks." He never used any specific language, just vague comments alluding to something to come.

"You're giving up because of a DWI?" I asked.

"Well, you know, at least I'll go out on top."

"On top?" I asked. "You're twenty three and live in a one bedroom apartment. Your Honda looks like you've been living in it. That's on top?"

Hopefully, the jail staff put him on suicide watch. That's when they take your clothes away and remove the mattress from the cell. You sit buck naked on a cold bunk and lament over telling anybody you might hurt yourself. A day or so of that and most people learn to keep their mouths shut.

Three drunken fools. All with their own bogus stories.

Trash Island

My fellow Americans. As you well know, I was unable to raise the capital necessary for a presidential run in South Carolina, or any other office for that matter. But I'm watching the news the other night and I see a story on "Trash Island," a floating mass of garbage somewhere in the Pacific that's twice the size of Texas. And I think to myself, all I need is a good bonding agent and I can plant my flag, declare it the fifty third state of the union, and announce my new title: Governor of Garbamerica.



I'll never raise your taxes in Garbamerica. Cheapest beach front property you'll ever buy, and no need for all those fancy lawyers and real estate brokers. I'll handle it all. All you need is a barge with a crane attachment and you're there. You can even supplement your income recycling portions of your own property. You know, just in case the economy takes a tumble. How convenient is that?



Garbamerica is the fastest growing mass anywhere. Think of it. It took billions of years for particles in space to bind into matter then explode into what we call our universe. And it took quite a bit of time for land masses to develop on this rock, but Garbamerica is growing ten feet a week. We could wind up joining North America and Europe. Just think of the toll fees we could rack up on that one! And we're solving the population problem. At some point there'll be too many people on the planet and not enough space. But Garbamerica could make the room, provided, of course, you pay your taxes. No illegal immigration here, sir! It's hard to immigrate by swimming the Pacific. We'll chum the waters around our little utopia daily. And with the ocean still underneath, and light travelling through our plastic paradise, the ocean is preserved.



So, people, join me on this journey. Don't look at this heap of garbage with shame and revulsion. Make the most of it. It could be the next big thing.



Sincerely,

Todd Hines

Governor: Trash Island

Unnecessary Medicine

I watched an interesting specil on C-Span in which a medical correspondent (and Biologist) compared costs and treatments from different hospitals around the country. Then she compared the overall results from each. Besides being slightly inferred, as true results are sometimes hard to explain (sometimes chance plays a part, as in the case where someone survives a condition against all odds), the results were interesting.

She compared two hospitals, UCLA and the Mayo Clinic. Specifically, she compared the same cancer treatments for each, and then analyzed the results. Patients at UCLA spent approximately $108,000 on a two year plan while patients at the Mayo Clinic spent $36,000 for the same plan. How can they be so radically different?

The answer lies in the outcome. Patients at UCLA received far more screenings, specialist visits, MRI's, and testing. But in the end patients at UCLA fared no better than those at the Mayo Clinic, who spent one third of the cost.

I see the same thing when I go to my yearly physical. Some people feel they need constant care. That every ache and pain should be treated with medicing. I've seen elderly people taking upwards of twenty pills a day, all for different symptoms. How do these drugs interact with each other? People want instant gratification, when what most people need is a good assessment from their primary physician. Lose some weight. Exercise more often and limit your salt and sugar intake. Once you've established a healthier physique, then look at specific problems. I heard a local talk radio host debating a representative of the Candadian Health Care Organization. His argument was that Americans shouldn't have to wait for a hip or knee replacement surgery. Her argument was they should first adhere to some sort of physical requirement. If the patient is fifty pounds overweight and you replace the hip, they are just going to wear out the new hip. Why should we finance the bad behavior of others?

It all boils down to America's mentality of instant gratification, coupled with the Pharmaceutical Industry's control of the market. We've allowed eighty percent of the country's research and development to be funded by the industry. No wonder we see ad after ad for "Natural Male Enhancement," while many debilitating diseases and injuries are all but ignored.