Craigslist

I'm addicted to reading the Craigslist ads, especially the personals. Some of the sickest people in the world advertise their insanity on this forum. My buddy Kevin sent this one to me.

"I thought we really had something together and I'm sorry I pooped in your shower. I had no idea it would be so difficult to wash down the drain. You should get a better showerhead. I admit I wasn't really thinking of the potential sanitation consequences at the time. I don't know what I was thinking exactly - maybe love muddled my mind. Sometimes when a relationship is going well and I think it's time to take it to the next level I panic and subconsciously find a way to sabotage it. But I'm really not a bad guy. And again, I'm sorry for pooping in your shower and I promise it won't happen again if you just give me another chance. I love you.
P.S. Did you try the bleach?"

What a classic..... You read Shakespeare... I read absurdity.

Speed Trap

I was running radar on Plaza Drive in response to numerous citizen complaints. I catch this car doing 41mph and pull him over. He says, "Hey, I'm the guy that complained about the speeders. When I go running, people zoom past me all the time. " I write him a ticket and take it to him. He has a four-year-old boy in the back seat that continuously waives at me. "Looks like I set a speed trap for myself," he says. Then he asks if his son can look at my police car. The boy surveys my patrol car for five minutes, oohing and aahhing the whole time. "I guess this is the most expensive police tour I've ever had," he says, smiling. At least the guy has a sense of humor.

Trash D'Capped

I was listening to a report on the radio yesterday that, I would like to say shocked me, did not surprise me in the least. Evidently a recent investigation into the city sanitation budget uncovered fraudulent handicap designations. Simply put this means the resident has contacted the sanitation department and reported that he/she is handicapped. Once this status is granted the resident no longer has to push the can out to the street, the workers have to get the canister themselves. It was discovered that thousands of people have designated themselves handicapped, and this costs the city close to a half million dollars. Horse shit! Anybody who was caught should be melted down in a vat of acid.

Ultimately it is no surprise. These are the same people that get handicapped placards for their cars because they are too lazy or fat to walk across the parking lot to Walmart. I have a young girl in one of my classes that has a handicap placard and parks in the handicapped space. She's no more than twenty years old, a hundred pounds overweight, and always sucking on candy as she Shamu's (She looks like a beached killer whale sidling across a beach with a baby seal in its mouth) the twenty feet to the classroom, thereby blocking legitimate handicapped folk from using the space. And she's majoring in Criminal Justice and wants to be a cop? I wonder what she's thinking. If I wouldn't get some sort of harassment complaint I'd have to ask, "If you're so disabled you can't walk twenty extra feet to the room, how are you going to run down a shoplifter? Or is your disability just being fat?"

Miracles

Come on! How can people fall for this crap? The only miracle is that Popov has idiots that will send him money. What kind of raving lunatic would fall for this? Oh, wait a minute. I've been to several calls where I find some mentally disturbed person sitting in front of a black and white T.V. at three o'clock in the morning, babbling about the good news.

McMoron

"I paid for Chicken Nuggets and they didn't have them," she ranted to the 911 operator. "I asked for my money back and they said it was their policy not to give refunds." This nonsense goes on for several more minutes and two additional phone calls before police finally charged her with misusing the 911 emergency communication system. What I can't understand is why the dispatcher didn't immediately say, "You're a fucking idiot! Quit calling the police for this nonsense."

What's next? Is she going to call the police because her fries are cold? Or there's not enough ice in her drink? Or her tampon is crooked?