Judge Mathis

Judge Mathis weeds through the bullshit and gets to the truth. I love when he exposes some idiot on national television. Today he had some jackass on suing because the producer of his rap video did a poor job. Mathis asked him, "How long have you been in the business?" Jackass, wearing a dated pair of Bobby Brown glasses, answered, "I've been writing and producing raps for twenty years." Mathis then asked, "Really, have you ever had a CD or wrote for someone famous?" The guy stammered, "Uh, no." Mathis, without missing a beat, asked, "Are you sure you're in the right profession? Twenty years! I hope you have a second job."

The guy was obviously full of shit. It came out in testimony that the video involved was shot for $750. Normal video's aired on T.V. are filmed for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Also, the plaintiff wrote, directed, and helped produce the video he was suing for. He wasn't happy with his own work?

Guy

If you want to piss off anyone by using one word, make it "guy." "How's it going, guy?" This says several things to the recipient, and none of them positive. It says you don't know my name and you're too lazy to ask. It trivializes our conversation as if anything I say is not worthy of your attention. In fact, once you use "guy," I tend to discount everything you say and, secretly, hope you fall down an elevator shaft and somehow burst into flames.

Life

One component of all matter. Does it look familiar? A handful of spheres orbiting a central mass. The atom or our universe?

Dance-Off

One guy thinks it's a dance-off. The other guy thinks he's there to fight. Who do you think wins?

Useless

I love being inundated with useless information from my employer, the city. An entire fleet of people, paid an untold sum of money, corroborate to provide what amounts to completely useless information to be disseminated to the rank and file. This month we received an especially memorable collection of tips:

1) Slip, trip, and fall prevention- Some savvy bureaucrat taught us how to keep from falling on our faces. Thank Allah for that guy. Good thing I didn't throw my trash can full of banana peels I got from the Healthy Food Drive out on the sidewalk, like I originally intended. Somebody could have gotten injured.

2) How to fight winter depression- This memo described how cold, cloudy weather might seduce you into killing yourself. The memo should have been accompanied with a warm bath and a sharp object.

3) Concert in the park- Evidently, to help with the whole Winter depression thing, the city is having some guy named Papabaldi (that's right, Papabaldi) play classical piano in the park. You can skip your lunch hour to watch it! Who needs food when you have Papabaldi? Yay, Papabaldi! I just like saying Papabaldi....