Kohls Nut

She's a fat sweaty lunatic who called the police. She told the dispatcher she sat her wallet on the counter at the customer service center. When she realized she'd forgotten it, she returned to the counter and the wallet was gone. She only had one recourse, and that was to accuse the clerk of stealing her wallet. Of course the clerk was less than ecstatic to be accused of pilfering, so our nut-job decided she also wanted to complain on the woman for being unprofessional.

So I'm on my way to the call. Half way there dispatch calls me and reports the woman's wallet has been put back in her purse, and she suspects the clerk did it after she dialed 911. She also alleges the manager is aiding the clerk by "covering up" what happened.

I get there and speak with the fat sweaty lunatic. She's red faced and breathing like she just ran a marathon. Completely irrational. "I'm so disgusted right now, officer. That woman stole my wallet. She only put it back in my purse when I went to the front to see if you guys were here."

"Let me get this straight. You think the clerk stole your wallet, so you leave your pocketbook on the counter while you go to the front of the store to see if the police have arrived? Why, if you already think they're stealing from you, would you give them another opportunity?"

"I'm just all stressed out."

"Is there any chance you might have missed your wallet inside the purse? Could it have been in your purse the whole time? It's very unusual that someone would steal your wallet and then sneak it back into your purse."

"It's impossible. She stole the wallet and then put it back in the purse."

An attractive middle aged woman inserts herself into the conversation. "I'm the manager, officer, and I'd like to say that my clerk couldn't have put the wallet back in the purse. As soon as the customer complained, we pulled the clerk from the register and have her waiting in our office."

"Do you have video?" I ask.

"Yes."

I tell the maniac to wait while I review the video. By this point she's called her seventy year old mother up to the store and they're both crying.

There are two cameras that caught the incident, both in excellent position. The red faced sweaty loon never sat her wallet on the counter. I could see quite well that she put the wallet back into her purse and the clerk then busied herself affixing tags to clothing, right in front of the camera. So the stupid cunt had accused everybody of conniving against her for no apparent reason.

I approach her and tell her the news. That she's an idiot and made a fool of herself for no reason. I hope she knows suicide is always an option, you know, like the Japanese used to do. Take a blade and eviscerate yourself from left to right, then maybe have grandma chop the head off with the Thanksgiving electric turkey knife.

After all that she says, "Well, I might have made a mistake, but I still don't feel comfortable shopping here."

"Oh no," I felt like saying. "You don't feel comfortable? We'd hate for you to feel uncomfortable. I mean, your comfort is paramount. Never mind you just accused the entire store of being a bunch of criminals and wasted two police officer's time. We don't want you to be uncomfortable."