Trash Island

My fellow Americans. As you well know, I was unable to raise the capital necessary for a presidential run in South Carolina, or any other office for that matter. But I'm watching the news the other night and I see a story on "Trash Island," a floating mass of garbage somewhere in the Pacific that's twice the size of Texas. And I think to myself, all I need is a good bonding agent and I can plant my flag, declare it the fifty third state of the union, and announce my new title: Governor of Garbamerica.



I'll never raise your taxes in Garbamerica. Cheapest beach front property you'll ever buy, and no need for all those fancy lawyers and real estate brokers. I'll handle it all. All you need is a barge with a crane attachment and you're there. You can even supplement your income recycling portions of your own property. You know, just in case the economy takes a tumble. How convenient is that?



Garbamerica is the fastest growing mass anywhere. Think of it. It took billions of years for particles in space to bind into matter then explode into what we call our universe. And it took quite a bit of time for land masses to develop on this rock, but Garbamerica is growing ten feet a week. We could wind up joining North America and Europe. Just think of the toll fees we could rack up on that one! And we're solving the population problem. At some point there'll be too many people on the planet and not enough space. But Garbamerica could make the room, provided, of course, you pay your taxes. No illegal immigration here, sir! It's hard to immigrate by swimming the Pacific. We'll chum the waters around our little utopia daily. And with the ocean still underneath, and light travelling through our plastic paradise, the ocean is preserved.



So, people, join me on this journey. Don't look at this heap of garbage with shame and revulsion. Make the most of it. It could be the next big thing.



Sincerely,

Todd Hines

Governor: Trash Island