Drunken Fools

I arrested three drunks over the last week. Two for driving while impaired and one for assault. It seems the new crop of drunks get more and more useless. The first told me he was "blessed" to have a girlfriend who takes care of him completely, much like an infant, financially. Evidently he's an aspiring rapper and needs twenty four hour a day devotion to his craft. He doesn't have a label yet, or a manager, or even any material, bu he's hopeful the future is bright.

The second guy got drunk and assaulted several people at a restaurant. He's in his early twenties and has already been jailed several times for alcohol related offenses. He spent the entire booking process cursing me. "Cops suck! Fuck you! I hope you get shot in the head!" This went on for an unreasonable amount of time. Then, just as we were about to part company, he extends his hand and says, "I'm not a bad guy, man." Of course I have no interest in shaking his hand. Then, "Why do you have to be like that, man? That's why people don't like cops." It should be legal to punch him in the face.

The last guy I arrested for driving while impaired, his second in two months. He matter-of-factly said, "Well, I guess this is it. I can't go on after doing this to my family." I asked if he had a wife and kids. "No, just my mom. I can't tell her this. It's been a nice run. I guess I can go out on top."

"Don't you think you're being a little melodramatic?" I asked.

"No. This is it. Don't think I can take any more of this. This sucks." He never used any specific language, just vague comments alluding to something to come.

"You're giving up because of a DWI?" I asked.

"Well, you know, at least I'll go out on top."

"On top?" I asked. "You're twenty three and live in a one bedroom apartment. Your Honda looks like you've been living in it. That's on top?"

Hopefully, the jail staff put him on suicide watch. That's when they take your clothes away and remove the mattress from the cell. You sit buck naked on a cold bunk and lament over telling anybody you might hurt yourself. A day or so of that and most people learn to keep their mouths shut.

Three drunken fools. All with their own bogus stories.