Megashark vs. Giant Octopus

What would one think when, after years of semi-serious acting (okay, maybe not), an agent contacted you to advise he's enlisted your talents to the Scy-fi (or however they spell it now) channel for the epic: "Megashark vs. Giant Octopus." Two heavyweights jumped at the opportunity. Lorenzo Lamas, pony-tailed b-movie king from the series "Renegade." How gay was that show? And, of course, Tiffany. You know, the red haired highschool girl every dirty old man wanted to bang back in the eighties when she sang, "I think we're alone now." You know, Tiffany, you guys on the set of this new endeavor were alone. Cause I'm pretty sure I was the only one in America who was watching. But not for plot, special effects, dialogue, or anything that one might watch a movie for. I watched because it was awful. Like watching a train wreck. Anticipating each scene and wondering, "Can it get any worse?" It did.

Next time why don't you guys just air two hours of a fat guy on a toilet.

"Knowing"

I don't know how I got persuaded to watch this movie, which could be the biggest piece of shit ever filmed. Nicholas Cage, a Theoretical Astrophysicist? C'mon. No joke needed! Somehow his son is selected by aliens to be the human seed for a new planet? And all of this is prophesized by some kindergarten school girl who uses numerology to predict the future and then buries the predictions in a time capsule. And some other chick and her daughter somehow get thrust into the story because they remind Cage of his long lost wife. Crap! You will lose brain cells watching this movie.

Sobriety Tests

I stopped a guy on Tuesday and gave him sobriety tests. One of these tests is the one-legged-stand. This is what it looks like.

Unfortunately for him, hours of watching Ralph Maccio in the Karate Kid made his one-legged-stand look more like this:

Tag

N.C. License Plate:

I DO IP

(I do internet porn?)

Tags like this are why I never seem to get anything done.

Gay Drunken Idiot

How do you explain this to your wife? Let's say you get extremely drunk. No problem, we all do from time to time. But you decide to drive downtown for a little fun. Well, maybe not the fun you're accustomed to. You pick up a gay prostitute and agree to a twenty five dollar blow-job. The prostitute starts working your junk while you drive down Hargett Street, which makes you smash into two parked cars, careen off the road and head-on a telephone pole. All of this is observed by a police officer who casually pulls up and arrests you. At the jail you blow a .26 (over 3 times the legal limit) on the Intoxylizer and are charged with DWI and soliciting crimes against nature. Of course you call your wife to bail you out of jail????

I would kill to have heard his excuse on the way home. It had to be a gem.

Craigslist

I'm addicted to reading the Craigslist ads, especially the personals. Some of the sickest people in the world advertise their insanity on this forum. My buddy Kevin sent this one to me.

"I thought we really had something together and I'm sorry I pooped in your shower. I had no idea it would be so difficult to wash down the drain. You should get a better showerhead. I admit I wasn't really thinking of the potential sanitation consequences at the time. I don't know what I was thinking exactly - maybe love muddled my mind. Sometimes when a relationship is going well and I think it's time to take it to the next level I panic and subconsciously find a way to sabotage it. But I'm really not a bad guy. And again, I'm sorry for pooping in your shower and I promise it won't happen again if you just give me another chance. I love you.
P.S. Did you try the bleach?"

What a classic..... You read Shakespeare... I read absurdity.

Speed Trap

I was running radar on Plaza Drive in response to numerous citizen complaints. I catch this car doing 41mph and pull him over. He says, "Hey, I'm the guy that complained about the speeders. When I go running, people zoom past me all the time. " I write him a ticket and take it to him. He has a four-year-old boy in the back seat that continuously waives at me. "Looks like I set a speed trap for myself," he says. Then he asks if his son can look at my police car. The boy surveys my patrol car for five minutes, oohing and aahhing the whole time. "I guess this is the most expensive police tour I've ever had," he says, smiling. At least the guy has a sense of humor.

Trash D'Capped

I was listening to a report on the radio yesterday that, I would like to say shocked me, did not surprise me in the least. Evidently a recent investigation into the city sanitation budget uncovered fraudulent handicap designations. Simply put this means the resident has contacted the sanitation department and reported that he/she is handicapped. Once this status is granted the resident no longer has to push the can out to the street, the workers have to get the canister themselves. It was discovered that thousands of people have designated themselves handicapped, and this costs the city close to a half million dollars. Horse shit! Anybody who was caught should be melted down in a vat of acid.

Ultimately it is no surprise. These are the same people that get handicapped placards for their cars because they are too lazy or fat to walk across the parking lot to Walmart. I have a young girl in one of my classes that has a handicap placard and parks in the handicapped space. She's no more than twenty years old, a hundred pounds overweight, and always sucking on candy as she Shamu's (She looks like a beached killer whale sidling across a beach with a baby seal in its mouth) the twenty feet to the classroom, thereby blocking legitimate handicapped folk from using the space. And she's majoring in Criminal Justice and wants to be a cop? I wonder what she's thinking. If I wouldn't get some sort of harassment complaint I'd have to ask, "If you're so disabled you can't walk twenty extra feet to the room, how are you going to run down a shoplifter? Or is your disability just being fat?"

Miracles

Come on! How can people fall for this crap? The only miracle is that Popov has idiots that will send him money. What kind of raving lunatic would fall for this? Oh, wait a minute. I've been to several calls where I find some mentally disturbed person sitting in front of a black and white T.V. at three o'clock in the morning, babbling about the good news.

McMoron

"I paid for Chicken Nuggets and they didn't have them," she ranted to the 911 operator. "I asked for my money back and they said it was their policy not to give refunds." This nonsense goes on for several more minutes and two additional phone calls before police finally charged her with misusing the 911 emergency communication system. What I can't understand is why the dispatcher didn't immediately say, "You're a fucking idiot! Quit calling the police for this nonsense."

What's next? Is she going to call the police because her fries are cold? Or there's not enough ice in her drink? Or her tampon is crooked?

Very Smooth

Let's say you've just kicked back a couple of shots at the club and it's time to go home. You're going to follow a friend back to the house or whatever. You go out to the parking lot and notice a cop parked less than fifty feet away, his interior lights on, writing reports. Do you:

A) Decide not to drive because you're drunk.
B) Leave slowly and inconspicously, hoping not to draw attention to yourself.
C) Drive donuts around and around your friend in a pickup truck, all the while honking your horn over and over and yelling, "Woo-hoo!" out the window.

Tonight the answer was C. What a fucking idiot...........

Octomom is an Octoidiot

Why would someone let this person have 14 kids?

If she wears makeup, she might look just like?????????????

Why would anyone let her have kids? Maybe because she's jobless, useless, and emotionally disturbed. Yeah, that must be it. Don't we have enough fuck-ups in this country? Now we have to make room for 14 more. Unless she wigs out and drowns them all in a bathtub.

Judge Mathis

Judge Mathis weeds through the bullshit and gets to the truth. I love when he exposes some idiot on national television. Today he had some jackass on suing because the producer of his rap video did a poor job. Mathis asked him, "How long have you been in the business?" Jackass, wearing a dated pair of Bobby Brown glasses, answered, "I've been writing and producing raps for twenty years." Mathis then asked, "Really, have you ever had a CD or wrote for someone famous?" The guy stammered, "Uh, no." Mathis, without missing a beat, asked, "Are you sure you're in the right profession? Twenty years! I hope you have a second job."

The guy was obviously full of shit. It came out in testimony that the video involved was shot for $750. Normal video's aired on T.V. are filmed for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Also, the plaintiff wrote, directed, and helped produce the video he was suing for. He wasn't happy with his own work?

Guy

If you want to piss off anyone by using one word, make it "guy." "How's it going, guy?" This says several things to the recipient, and none of them positive. It says you don't know my name and you're too lazy to ask. It trivializes our conversation as if anything I say is not worthy of your attention. In fact, once you use "guy," I tend to discount everything you say and, secretly, hope you fall down an elevator shaft and somehow burst into flames.

Life

One component of all matter. Does it look familiar? A handful of spheres orbiting a central mass. The atom or our universe?

Dance-Off

One guy thinks it's a dance-off. The other guy thinks he's there to fight. Who do you think wins?

Useless

I love being inundated with useless information from my employer, the city. An entire fleet of people, paid an untold sum of money, corroborate to provide what amounts to completely useless information to be disseminated to the rank and file. This month we received an especially memorable collection of tips:

1) Slip, trip, and fall prevention- Some savvy bureaucrat taught us how to keep from falling on our faces. Thank Allah for that guy. Good thing I didn't throw my trash can full of banana peels I got from the Healthy Food Drive out on the sidewalk, like I originally intended. Somebody could have gotten injured.

2) How to fight winter depression- This memo described how cold, cloudy weather might seduce you into killing yourself. The memo should have been accompanied with a warm bath and a sharp object.

3) Concert in the park- Evidently, to help with the whole Winter depression thing, the city is having some guy named Papabaldi (that's right, Papabaldi) play classical piano in the park. You can skip your lunch hour to watch it! Who needs food when you have Papabaldi? Yay, Papabaldi! I just like saying Papabaldi....