Verbal Jackass

I was forced to sit through two days of training entitled, "Verbal Judo." The instructor, who received an unreasonable sum of money, was Dr. George Thompson, who, evidently, has given himself the nickname "Doc Rhino." Doc Rhino? Come on.....

I was completely unable to get past his constant barrage of arrogance and martial arts references in order to receive whatever lecture message might have been buried underneath. "It's all in the delivery," he said, over and over, as if cops are supposed to be stage actors in some weird Broadway show. He would fold his arms into what he considered a "warrior" pose, something you might have seen in a Kung Fu Theater B-movie, and loudly exclaim, "Wushaw!" He did this at least two hundred times a day, which marked two hundred times I came close to vomiting. Then he'd lick his fingers and wipe his mustache as if, in his own delusional world, he believes he's a gun slinging bad ass from the old West. To make things worse, if that's at all possible, he lost one of his vocal cords to cancer and sounds like Darth Vader with an upper respiratory infection. Mucho phlegm!

The course was basically him telling us over and over how fucking cool he is. Oh, and how we don't know anything and he'd fire the whole department if he was Chief. The lesson plan had quite a few charts. They were so ridiculously confusing I would have had to pay either a scientist or a shaman to make any sense of them. Everything was an acronym with this guy. "I saw this E.D.P. threaten an I.B.D. and a G.B.S." Dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Here are a list of especially ridiculous quotes:

"If you really knew reality then you'd know what I know."
("Because I am magnificent in every way." That would have been the logical follow up for this guy.)

"I will teach you the warrior mentality. We call it Mushin."

"The most dangerous weapon you carry is the cocked tongue."

"When I teach a course I bow in, cause I'm teaching Mushin. Martial Arts of the mouth."

"Ladies, you wake up from a sleep to find a man straddling you, preparing for a rape, his hands frozen at your throat. What should you say?.................. Thank you! Why, you ask? Because he left your hands free, so you reach over to the night stand, grab a pencil, and jam it into his eye. Game over!"
( How much T.V. does a man have to watch to think like this?)

"There will be no violence where I walk."

"Stone man is out! Plastic man is in! Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. "
(His laughter was very inappropriate. As if he thinks, "I'm magnificent. Look at how these mere mortals revel in my greatness!")

"The moment I put the vest on, I become a warrior. From home-boy to officer. Then I always say, Showtime!"

"If I had my way, I'd send every one of you to a six week acting course."
(I'm sure the tax payers wouldn't mind funding that, dumb ass.)

"I'm a force field. Every where I walk there will be peace."

"I would wrap him up and spin him into a web of compliance."
(I guess he thinks he's part spider or something.)

"I've intimidated bars full of people by being pleasant."

"I know twelve ways to take a man out of a car window."
(He learned all of them by watching Jackie Chan movies.)

"When I started using questions, I cut my resistance in half. Well, actually more than half, but I'll give you half!"
(Who's he giving what? I don't understand.)

"Sneaky people raise the shackles on your back. Your sixth sense. Believe in the sixth sense."
(I saw the movie.)

"We are springboarding over the quicksand of argument in the sandbox of America."

"Disrespect is diss'em, and diss'em is death!"

"I don't like the defense lawyers. Shark skin wearing, poupon sucking sons of bitches!"

"I am producer, director, and actor. I write the play, set the stage, and control the actors."
Last I checked, he's not starred in any roles.

"People never say what they mean. But some do." (????)


He showed us videos of himself handling tense situations. Only the videos were scripted and acted. Then he commended himself for how well he handled the situation, which wasn't real. I'm fairly certain that, along with referring to yourself as "Doc Rhino" in the third person, are signs of mental illness. Thanks, Doc. I took nine pages down of asinine quotes.