The Wedding

I attended my friend's wedding this past weekend on Emerald Isle. I wish him and his new bride the very best. I was on my best behavior, but, being in close proximity to two other friends who enjoy mischief, couldn't help but think of a variety of ways to make the event ridiculous.

I should have attended the service wearing a beard-of-bees and insisted it was a family tradition, as well as wearing break-away trousers and Spider-man underwear... for the reception.

We contemplated exchanging the lyrics for Hymn 394, which was to be played mid-wedding, with the lyrics to Led Zepplin's "Black Dog."

The pastor, who I can only assume was in his mid-hundreds, forgot what time the service began and arrived as the music started playing. He also forgot half the invocation and even forgot to say, "You may now kiss the bride." As the frantic wedding planner searched for him moments before the event, we couldn't help but think to place a Check-On-Welfare call in case he died the day of the ceremony.

The funniest part of it was my friend's judgment to begin with. I'm an atheist and have Tourrette's Syndrome. Can you think of any worse person to put in a church wedding? The night before I had dreams of shouting, "Praise Satan," over and over in front of the congregation. That would've been cool.