Funeral Blues

"Undercover officers use Taser on pallbearerPosted:
WILMINGTON, N.C. — A North Carolina sheriff's official has apologized for plunging a funeral into chaos when undercover agents tried to arrest the dead man's son - and used a Taser on him in the process. It happened as the coffin was being loaded into a hearse. The officers planned to quietly arrest pallbearer Gladwyn Taft Russ III, The Star-News of Wilmington reported Wednesday. Relatives said two deputies dressed in coats and ties grabbed Russ and kneed him in his back before Tasering him. One deputy's gun fell out of its holster. Russ' sister, Taffy Gause, said when she got out of the car a deputy "was waving a gun at me and my mom and yelling to get back or he was going to shoot." She said some mourners went home instead of going to the cemetery.Russ, 42, had failed to surrender after being charged with threatening his ex-wife who lives in another state, officials said. Following his father's death Nov. 11, Russ agreed to surrender after the funeral.When deputies approached Russ during the Saturday funeral, he "went wild" and spat on the officers, said New Hanover County sheriff's chief deputy Ed McMahon. McMahon said the officers should have waited until after the cemetery service."It was never my intention to create any more problems for the family, and I am truly sorry and apologize for that," he said. McMahon said the officers pointed Tasers at people because the crowd was moving toward them. Russ was charged with assault on a government official, resisting an officer, disorderly conduct and felony malicious conduct by a prisoner."Everybody was so scared. We thought it was a drug deal gone bad," said Ronnie Simmons, a pallbearer and Russ' brother-in-law. "We almost dropped the casket."

Nothing I could say would be funnier than what the article already says.

Kobe Japanese Steak House

We ate at Kobe tonight after being referred by one of my wife's coworkers. Kobe, a Japanese steak house, doesn't actually serve Kobe beef. "It's just a name," the waiter answered when I inquired. Our attention was drawn to the multi-person tables. You know, in the Japanese steak house tradition, a semicircular table surrounds a large grill as a chef puts on a show for delighted patrons. We hate people, therefore, we sat in the regular seating area. But the show was still in plain view. And what a show it was.

The chef was a mid-twenties white male with a pony tail and a nose ring. He wasn't ethnic in any way, but, much to our amusement, kept speaking to his "audience" with a fake Japanese accent. That's right, he was faking a Japanese accent. Why would one do that? Did he suddenly become Japanese when he put on that big puffy hat? Colossal dork!

Mental Health Douche-bag

We're working at the Mental Health Crisis Assessment Center, keeping all of the unhappy's placated before they're shipped off to the loonie bin. But this one guy is really bugging us. He says he's from Peru, but he's not from Peru. Why is he lying? He says he doesn't want to get committed, but then tells the doctor he's suicidal and off his meds. He's very angry because he lives at the homeless shelter.

From the homeless shelter to Dorothea Dix Mental Hospital.

But he keeps bothering us over and over with his minuscule problems. What about my stuff? What happens to my stuff? The miserable details of his problems are boring me. I think I'll end his tirade by putting in my Ipod headphones. His irritating voice replaced by the soundtrack to the Lion King. Hakuna mutata motherfucker!

Assholes

Nice art work! I can only hope it was federally funded. A bunch of assholes paying an artist to photograph a bunch of assholes! Ah, the irony ...............

Crack-Cow

What genius hired this person to dress up as a cow and advertise a Halloween costume store? Great idea... You couldn't look at this person, who has been arrested about a hundred times for prostitution and drug offenses, and decide you're probably not going to get good quality help?

The newspaper story reads: "While at work Saturday evening, Allen hit the sauce hard and then stumbled into the streets - blocking traffic and chasing kids, said Police Major Mark Hoffman.
Allen also urinated in a nearby yard during the drunken grazing, cops said. 'It's curious. When I think of Halloween or a haunted trail, I don't think of cows as being scary - although this one was,' Hoffman said. As cops hauled her away, the haunted trail's manager snatched the cow mask away from Allen, but officers let her keep the rest of the outfit. 'It appeared that's all she had on,' Hoffman said. Allen dried out in jail over the weekend - all the while wearing the cow costume. Jail policy allows for inmates to wear prison garb in the clink, but only after a defendant's first court appearance. Despite having two nights to sober up, Allen was in a foul mood Monday, yelling at jailers. 'She was challenging people to 'suck her udders,' Hoffman said. 'I'm not joking."

Happy Halloween ...................

Trooper Chase

A State Trooper clocked a guy driving 120 miles per hour in the rain on I540 and a chase ensued down Leesville Rd. The moron exceeded 80 mph on a blind curve and lost control, flipping several times and pancaking the car. Of course he was drunk, so he wasn't injured, except for having a "sore" wrist. Any normal well-intentioned citizen would have been killed instantly, but, for some reason, useless people are invincible.

So this asshole jumps and runs into the woods and the Troopers lose him. About fifteen minutes go by, and billions of dollars or resources are being wasted (two ambulances, a fire truck, about twenty cops combing the woods), before a call comes in from down the street. Evidently, some guy with the last name of Acosta (the same last name as the owner of the pancaked car) has knocked on the door of an apartment and told the occupants he'd been robbed. Rather than doing the only thing one should do in that situation-which is shoot the guy in the face and call 911 to report a home invasion- this good Samaritan not only calls the police, but also lets Mr. Acosta come inside and sit on the couch. Even brings the guy a glass of water!

We get there and Mr. Acosta has created an elaborate story of how his car wound up smashed in the woods. Evidently, two black guys carjacked and kidnapped him and, lucky for him, a cop started chasing them. They ran from the cop and wrecked his car. He only staggered off into the woods to get help, momentarily forgetting that all he had to do was stay with the car and the police would help. Imagine his plight, being victimized so horribly by those mean black guys and their big guns.

We indulged him for about a minute before calling him a goddamn liar. Seconds later he was reduced to tears and admitted to everything. Way to create one lame-ass story, Mr. Acosta. Looks like it worked out well for you.

Naked Freak

I have to report the most bizarre indecent exposure calls in a while. Two calls about fifteen minutes apart. Gigantic black guy wearing a cut-off purple sleeveless shirt and no pants. He was masturbating while he walked behind women. When they saw him he immediately asked, "Can I use your bathroom?" All the while whacking off!

At the second scene one of the women yelled, "I'm calling the police." The man turned around and skipped-that's right, I said skipped-away, through the sprinklers in the grass. He continued to masturbate while skipping.