Trooper Chase

A State Trooper clocked a guy driving 120 miles per hour in the rain on I540 and a chase ensued down Leesville Rd. The moron exceeded 80 mph on a blind curve and lost control, flipping several times and pancaking the car. Of course he was drunk, so he wasn't injured, except for having a "sore" wrist. Any normal well-intentioned citizen would have been killed instantly, but, for some reason, useless people are invincible.

So this asshole jumps and runs into the woods and the Troopers lose him. About fifteen minutes go by, and billions of dollars or resources are being wasted (two ambulances, a fire truck, about twenty cops combing the woods), before a call comes in from down the street. Evidently, some guy with the last name of Acosta (the same last name as the owner of the pancaked car) has knocked on the door of an apartment and told the occupants he'd been robbed. Rather than doing the only thing one should do in that situation-which is shoot the guy in the face and call 911 to report a home invasion- this good Samaritan not only calls the police, but also lets Mr. Acosta come inside and sit on the couch. Even brings the guy a glass of water!

We get there and Mr. Acosta has created an elaborate story of how his car wound up smashed in the woods. Evidently, two black guys carjacked and kidnapped him and, lucky for him, a cop started chasing them. They ran from the cop and wrecked his car. He only staggered off into the woods to get help, momentarily forgetting that all he had to do was stay with the car and the police would help. Imagine his plight, being victimized so horribly by those mean black guys and their big guns.

We indulged him for about a minute before calling him a goddamn liar. Seconds later he was reduced to tears and admitted to everything. Way to create one lame-ass story, Mr. Acosta. Looks like it worked out well for you.

Naked Freak

I have to report the most bizarre indecent exposure calls in a while. Two calls about fifteen minutes apart. Gigantic black guy wearing a cut-off purple sleeveless shirt and no pants. He was masturbating while he walked behind women. When they saw him he immediately asked, "Can I use your bathroom?" All the while whacking off!

At the second scene one of the women yelled, "I'm calling the police." The man turned around and skipped-that's right, I said skipped-away, through the sprinklers in the grass. He continued to masturbate while skipping.

Philosophy 101

If the hooker that gives you a blow job turns out to be a man, does that somehow negate the pleasure of the act? I had to ask a guy this same question a while back. I mean, he obviously enjoyed it, because he finished. Everything would have been fine and none the wiser if the transvestite hadn't stole his wallet and been caught. Then, all of a sudden, the John was angry he'd been hornswaggled by a tranny. What a shame. Ruined his fond memory like that.

Puddle Ho

The other night some woman was sitting at the light on Glenwood Avenue, minding her own business, when an idiot in an SUV slammed into the side of her car and took off down T.W. Alexander Blvd. Of course, the SUV was so badly damaged the driver had to abandon it and fled on foot into the woods.

I have to say her life, that is, the suspect's, had to be a lesson in horror for the next hour. She fled barefoot into the woods after midnight with no flashlight. The K-9 officer arrived and we entered the woods and immediately started tracking. Her track meandered back and forth over hills, through briers, down a mud bank into a deep creek, and finally into a drainage ditch overlooking Glenwood Avenue. That's where we found her. Curled up in the foetal position in a mud puddle at least two feet deep. She was sobbing uncontrollably and noticeably drunk.

Nasty Stuff

I was called by a friend who, for no apparent reason, thought it was necessary to report the following information to me:

While waiting in the drive-through line at Wendy's he noticed, sitting mere inches from his car, a colostomy bag full of excrement. Someone, Poseidon only knows why, detached the bag of shit and casually placed it on the pavement. Why?

I then detailed an event from last week in which I noticed a skinny older man throwing up over the outside railing at Pegasis Video (Gay Porn shop). Now, having worked around these places for years, I know they make most of their money on video booths in the back of the shop. And I've been to quite a few calls where someone had sex in a booth and got their wallet stolen in the process. I even met a guy who said his job was to "mop up" the booth's every couple of hours, which he described as the most disgusting job ever.

So I ask you, for a man who has been inside this establishment, and seen the things he's obviously seen, what could cause him to throw up over the railing of the front porch? Had to be nasty!

Kohls Nut

She's a fat sweaty lunatic who called the police. She told the dispatcher she sat her wallet on the counter at the customer service center. When she realized she'd forgotten it, she returned to the counter and the wallet was gone. She only had one recourse, and that was to accuse the clerk of stealing her wallet. Of course the clerk was less than ecstatic to be accused of pilfering, so our nut-job decided she also wanted to complain on the woman for being unprofessional.

So I'm on my way to the call. Half way there dispatch calls me and reports the woman's wallet has been put back in her purse, and she suspects the clerk did it after she dialed 911. She also alleges the manager is aiding the clerk by "covering up" what happened.

I get there and speak with the fat sweaty lunatic. She's red faced and breathing like she just ran a marathon. Completely irrational. "I'm so disgusted right now, officer. That woman stole my wallet. She only put it back in my purse when I went to the front to see if you guys were here."

"Let me get this straight. You think the clerk stole your wallet, so you leave your pocketbook on the counter while you go to the front of the store to see if the police have arrived? Why, if you already think they're stealing from you, would you give them another opportunity?"

"I'm just all stressed out."

"Is there any chance you might have missed your wallet inside the purse? Could it have been in your purse the whole time? It's very unusual that someone would steal your wallet and then sneak it back into your purse."

"It's impossible. She stole the wallet and then put it back in the purse."

An attractive middle aged woman inserts herself into the conversation. "I'm the manager, officer, and I'd like to say that my clerk couldn't have put the wallet back in the purse. As soon as the customer complained, we pulled the clerk from the register and have her waiting in our office."

"Do you have video?" I ask.

"Yes."

I tell the maniac to wait while I review the video. By this point she's called her seventy year old mother up to the store and they're both crying.

There are two cameras that caught the incident, both in excellent position. The red faced sweaty loon never sat her wallet on the counter. I could see quite well that she put the wallet back into her purse and the clerk then busied herself affixing tags to clothing, right in front of the camera. So the stupid cunt had accused everybody of conniving against her for no apparent reason.

I approach her and tell her the news. That she's an idiot and made a fool of herself for no reason. I hope she knows suicide is always an option, you know, like the Japanese used to do. Take a blade and eviscerate yourself from left to right, then maybe have grandma chop the head off with the Thanksgiving electric turkey knife.

After all that she says, "Well, I might have made a mistake, but I still don't feel comfortable shopping here."

"Oh no," I felt like saying. "You don't feel comfortable? We'd hate for you to feel uncomfortable. I mean, your comfort is paramount. Never mind you just accused the entire store of being a bunch of criminals and wasted two police officer's time. We don't want you to be uncomfortable."